Chocolate Bunny and a Hair Dryer

In case anyone has yet to see this, I highly reccomend it.

I had one of those conversations tonight that instantly draws you closer to another person. It begins to hit you as you are conversing that this is a talk that has serious substance, a conversation that will alter a relationship in a positive way. You both hit on a topic that, while you may not agree, flows so easily and makes you feel fufilled after. It has been a long time since I have had a talk like that and it reinforced my faith in the power of conversation.

Finally feeling sleepy, have a good one folks.

Shiraz Fiend

Nothing finer than a Ranger win, some Decemberists and a nice glass of wine. I got to hang out with my brother tonight, which was a rare pleasure. We went to cheeburger cheeburger, a restaurant that pretends it isn't a fast food joint. It is themed using the 1950's as a model and has about 70 milkshake varities, so of course I love the place. My bro introduced it to me while in Florida and I have been hooked ever since, so it seemed only fitting to go there for his birthday. His birthday came on the unlucky day of our grandfather's funeral, so he definately needed a proper celebration...thank god for cheeburger cheeburger.

No Way Out

My grandfather died on Monday morning in his sleep at the age of 85. A World War Two veteran (gunman on a plane) who was shot down overseas, he was also a federal investigator and polygraph operator. He would tell stories of the most amazing and frankly shocking situations I had ever heard, from being shot at to arresting men who were trying to kill anything moving. He was also a boxer for a time in the military, and even though he only stood about 5'6" he was tough as nails. His personality wouldn't reflect that though, as he was a genial guy who always loved a lame joke, a dollar store trinket and taking his grandson out to get hockey cards for so many years. In his retirement he decided to become a substitute teacher and was absolutely amazing with kids, he was a master storyteller and even if he stretched the truth a bit...it would always be entertaining. I can honestly say I inherited that trait from him, as well as his pronounced forehead (The Keefe Forehead as it is called in my family). I will miss him dearly but I can at least know that he lived an amazing life and died in peace, he was truly a one of a kind individual.

I am looking forward to this semester being over because I am frankly tired of recieving bad news. Seriously, it has gotten to the point where anytime someone from home calls me I assume it is bad news. Everytime things seem to be getting back to normal, something happens which just decimates my spirit. I wish I could really just forget this October and November, as the bad has certainly outweighed the good. God knows I am trying to keep a positive attitude going because the last thing I want is sympathy or pity being put my way. My whole life I have equated those two things with either being pathetic or weak, which I know is absurd. I cannot shake the feeling that when someone tries to show me sympathy they are also judging my ability to cope or the way I am wired. I do not outwardly emote for this reason and a few others and it is also why opening up to someone is so fucking hard for me. That emotional vulnerability just feels so crippling and I am always waiting to get crushed when I open up. It is something I need to work on...I just need this fall to end.

The Swell Season

This time change thing has completely gotten my body out of sync, so here I am at 1 am still wide awake and trying to do some research for my oh so wonderful gender course. I was lucky enough to be given a fine group to work with but the topic we are presenting to the class is a little too broad and many points we make will have to be complete and utter bullshit. We must find the ways in which gender inequality manifests itself in holidays, namely Christmas and Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is pretty damn easy to prove honestly, just take a look in any Hallmark in the country and you will pull out at least 30 examples of gender bias or inequality. Christmas seems at first to be just as easy but it is deceptively hard to really prove that anything involved with Christmas is completely based on any feminist theory. Shades of Christmas (Advertisements, myths and maybe even consumer behavior) can definately be looked at through a "gendered lens" as our professor has named our approach. I think we are all a little to attached to Christmas though to truly step back and de-construct it, it is difficult to look back at your childhood only to rip it apart and analyze it with new knowledge. I don't think that much of the population picks up on the subtle Christmas ideas that could be analyzed and honestly, I sometimes doubt that anyone is actually changed by these ideas. Sometimes the analysis of a media form, in any concentration...not just feminist theory, can be flawed when the researcher neglects the audience when considering a theory. For example, there is a theory that aims to prove that the movie King Kong was an allegory for continued dominance of black individuals by the white population. The monkey was symbolic of black men and it's captors were the white men of the era. Now, there are a few articles that make this claim but neglect to look at the history of the film. A good amount of the footage used for the movie was taken from an abandoned project which utilized dinosaurs and other pre-historic and jungle animals. They used this footage because it was cheap and they created a foil for the dinosaurs in the form of a giant ape, mostly because the film maker had just finished a documentary on jungle animals and was inspired by the apes he saw. The lead female and male were both white because of the circumstances of the time period, you could point to any movie made in the 1930's and notice that african americans were not in lead roles. Looking at a film 70 years later, with an entirely new body of theory and literature...we sometimes lose focus on context and tend to label movies as something they are not. All concentrations do it and in most cases they are correct but without consideration of audience and context, mistakes can be made in analysis.

Jesus, where the hell did that come from. Hope you enjoyed that pointless rant.

Based on recent conversations I am willing to bet that about 25% of my friends are furious at a member of the opposite sex. There was always one action that put them over the edge: lying. The act of deception is one that will infuriate anyone under the right circumstances. These people opened themselves up, usually with reservation, and were rewarded with only lies and an uncaring counterpart. It is unfair but true to note that vulnerability is necessary to get close to another person but can leave you completely blindsided when a true nature is revealed. These people lashed out in the same way, no matter their personality or usual disposition, with disbelief, profanity, hopelessness and rage. I'm not surprised by this in the least bit though, when you are truly caught off guard by the actions of another person you slip into a state where you can't think logically and you cannot clear your mind. The only thing you feel is anger and sadness, each taking turns at the front of your mind. I have no idea why this has happend to these people all at the same time though, it has literally been within weeks that one by one they have been wronged. It is something to look into but not right now...because I am finally tired enough to sleep. Have a good night all.

A steady diet of gatorade and salt

Seriously, that is what my cardiologist reccomends for me at this time in my life...more gatorade and a hell of a lot more salt. When was the last time a cardiologist told you to increase the salt in your diet. It's like a neurologist asking you to bash your head into your bedpost 3 times a day for the rest of your life. It doesn't make sense but I am happy to oblige with some pretzels and saltine crackers (saltines remind me of being sick when I was really young, as it was the only thing my mom would let me eat when I was sick...like you needed to know that).

I have almost completely healed from my head incident, I only get slightly dizzy as I lay down now as opposed to insanely dizzy. It's the small victories that get you through the day. I have been trying to keep myself busy by diving into work, which has been going fairly well. I still have more down time than I would like but at the end of the day I can't really complain about free time, as I have noticed most of you seem to be lacking it. Trust me, free time gives you time to think and that is a sure fire way to get in trouble.

I guess it is officially Halloween now, which is reassuring. I love Halloween, it might be my favorite holiday (Christmas is kinda meh). I stopped trick or treating around 12 but I still love to see everyone get dressed up and handing out candy is something I always loved. There is something ridiculous about taking one day a year to dress up as anything you want, from a hero to a fear to something batshit insane. Halloween is commercialized like other holidays but something about celebrating fear always intrigued me, that and the amazing amount of horror movies that get put on TV around this time is kick ass. I love me some Freddy Krueger.

Ok, it is way past my bedtime...later.

Head Troubles

I know the last entry was about my medical issues but I just can't resist fucking myself up. I passed out on Sunday and hit my head extremely hard, which caused me to be in the hospital up until this afternoon. The official diagnosis was a contusion, something I am used to, and the explination behind my passing out is unknown. No one basically has any idea why I keep passing the hell out and it is starting to annoy me a bit. Ok, I need to go lie down...I will finish this later.

My Throat Exploded

Well, not literally but for a few days it felt like it did. I ignored my severe sore throat for about 5 days, because I am an idiot who feels he can always self diagnose himself, before going to the doctor. Upon my visit I realized I had a fever (which is absurdly rare for me), sore throat (duh), an achy breaky body (I'll be here all day folks...) and an overall "where the fuck am I and who the fuck are you" state of mind. I was basically slighty delirious and intensely annoyed at my swollen throat. Turns out I didn't have strep, which is nice but was kind of the preferred disease this time around. No no...I had tonsilitis with a chance of mono. OH JOY OF JOYS!!!! The tonsilitis thing didn't bug me too much, no surgery and just a few pills a day and it would all disappear. The mono thing scared the piss out of me...highly contageous and doesn't go away for weeks or months. Turns out it wasn't mono, so anyone who has been in contact with me can rest easy. Tonsilitis is not contageous, it is just my own body giving me a swift kick in my throat and then trying to make nice by coating it in mucus. Charming anaology, I know. I am feeling 150 times better than I did 3 days ago so I should be back to normal by maybe Sunday, which is awesome because there was no way in hell I was missing Silverchair next week. I finally get a free Matt Stiff to come to a concert with me, I am not going to jeapordize that shit.

My sickness did cause me to call out of work at Hallmark two days straight, which I don't think was appreciated one bit. I didn't exactly have a choice in the matter but both Jeff (district manager) and Betty( Key Holder) did not sound amused when I told them of my sickness. I know scheduling is tight but telling me to get better or to take as much time as I need would have been nice. Just saying, "Oh...well then" isn't really a caring response. I know it is hard for them to find replacements with short notice but honestly, I can't exactly do anything about it. Unless you want me coming in hocking up mucus, blowing my nose, not being able to talk and all the while boxing candles and riniging up cards...not gonna happen. I make my glorious return to the mark tomorrow night, working with Diane. I love working with Diane so that shouldn't be too much trouble.

The 90's Come Storming Back!

Brace yourself people...I have seen the Gin Blossoms in concert. The loveable bar band from Tempe, AZ( as the lead singer mentioned after every song) played at The House Of Blues Atlantic City last night. The thing that surprised me the most about the show, aside from the fact that a place called the house of blues never has any acvtual blues performers, was how tight the Gin Blossoms actually sounded. They knew how to play to a crowd and their entire set was incredible. After nearly two decades performing in front of mid level/smallish crowds, the Gin Blossoms knew exactly what to play, say and do on stage to get the crowd going. They played a fair amount of new material, which wasn't half bad, before launching into the big 3: Hey Jealousy, Til I Hear it From You and Follow You Down. The three biggest hits of their 90's career and the three songs I am sure they are really tired of playing by this point in their lives. They still approached the songs with energy and the crowd ate it up,though it was kind of surreal to see a whole crowd of people rocking out to songs made at least 10 years ago. The encore was intriguing as an acoustic cover of "Rocketman" was played to a slightly confused yet appreciative crowd. Oh, I have to note that half the crowd left before the encore because they just really didn't understand the "If the lights are still off, they are coming back for an encore" rule. Rookie/drunken mistakes on their part. They closed out the show with a new song no one had ever heard before, which was a little weird. Overall good show though and it was incredibly nice to see Deanna again, rocking out 90's style the whole show.

I officially hate croc shoes and anyone who wears them immediately will be put on my "Not getting a Christmas present" list.

The Adventures Of Lump

Lump is the name of the webkinz I was forced to buy by my co-workers and I must say...it is as if the sims had sex with a beanie baby and out came a webkinz. I was forced at gun point (ok, it was actually at card point...paper cuts hurt like a bitch) to buy this thing by more than one co-worker. Apparently if you work at Hallmark you must own a webkinz or you don't get a paycheck or respect from those you work with on a day to day basis. I broke down and got the polar bear because it looks kinda goofy and one of it's legs is lopsided so I felt good "adopting" a retarded webkinz. I haven't checked out the mini-games, shops or any of the other crap that I can supposedly do with Lump...I just kind of made him walk around for a while and then logged out. That was more than enough action for me for the day, all that polar bear walking around. Honestly though I don't feel so bad owning the thing even if 12 year olds would kill their own family for one, it might be embrassing to actually have it but I have a damn good excuse...I LIKE MY FACE NOT SHREDDED BY SHOEBOX CARDS.

I got to work with a woman named Mary Jo today, who is the assistant manager at another Hallmark store. This woman is the most twisted mother fucker I have ever met in the best way possible, she is just brutally honest and horribly funny. I felt like I was going to hell after I got off from work today for just being around her. She almost made me vomit mentioning certain things, they were that vile yet funny. I can't really go into detail but needless to say, Mary Jo actually made me want to stick around Hallmark.

Ok, enough about Hallmark...I am probably boring you to tears. I attended part of Zach's 21st birthday extravaganza and I wish I had stayed for the whole thing. I left to go back to TCNJ to hang out with some people, which was fun and everything but I have a feeling that Zach's party was a fucking blast. I met someone in my major at TCNJ whom I had never even realized exsisted, even though she sat behind me in one of my classes. It's true, I really suck at placing names and faces or even knowing people in my classes in general. How do you not know someone who is in your class, major and you took a course with? Especially at a school like TCNJ! I give the award for suckiest face to name ratio to myself, for completely not knowing who the hell it was who greeted me by mentioning what class we were in. Zach had a nice mix of Hunterdon kids, FDU kids and just random people who showed up and didn't know anyone. I have a feeling if I had a few more drinks, I would have made some pretty quick friends. That whole driving thing got in the way though, so I had to hold myself back a bit. I have a feeling I will make up for it in Baltimore for the super rachel turns 21 bash. THAT will be a fun time.

Webkins Ate My Soul

I awoke this morning to two things, the first being "C'mon, C'mon" by the Von Bondies blasting from my phone as Kathleen Meo texted me. Granted, it was 10 am and I should have been awake but I had foolishly stayed up till about 4:30 am the previous night. This of course makes me a fucking idiot who really needs to work on sleeping. I digress. Katie texted me and we had a nice text chat (man that sounds pathetic...) which I only remembered half of when I woke up again 2 hours later. I awoke the second time to a message from Alison Mandara, the red headed relay beast herself, saying that she somewhat caught up on my life by reading my blog. This fact alone completely validates these writings because I am awful at keeping in touch and it is nice to know someone actually wants to keep up on my life.

So I bought an X-Box 360 the other day and I must say, it was a wonderful investment. I normally don't buy video games or systems because I am an old school gamer...all about the super nintendo and NES. Three things compelled me to buy the x-box 360 though: NHL 07, Guitar Hero 2 and DVD capabilities. NHL 07 is basically crack laced coffee for me, if I don't get my fix I probably would freak out and try to rip my freckles off. That was the primary reason for the system, I had to continue my Rangers dynasty. The next reason I recently discovered thanks to Erica's Boyfriend Doug, who is a guitar hero beast. The man would go into best buy and just play the demo over and over and I finally gave it a go. IT IS UNREAL. This is one of the most fun games ever created, they should prescribe this for those who are depressed. You could be burning my hockey jersey's in front of my face but if I am shredding to "Monkey Wrench" by the Foo Fighters I will not give a damn. The final reason is one I initially didn't think of but is a nice perk. I bought a dvd player when I bought the x-box, which saves me from going out and buying a new one since my old one is garbage. It is easy to navigate and also incredibly reliable, I am basically sold on the dvd player functions. While I did hurt my bank account buying the damn thing I don't feel so bad, I don't buy shit for myself and this is something I kinda wanted for a while. So fuck logic and eating, I have a new game system.

Themes and Frames

I am reading articles on framing right now, which is what a majority of my research is in this summer. Framing is actually kind of interesting in a nerdy com major sort of way, anyone else would just wonder what the hell is the point of this research. It is analyzing any form of media, in my case newspaper articles, and breaking down the coverage into one main topic, a couple of subtopics and then down to the frames of the article. For example, my main topic is AIDS in Africa, a few subtopics would be Money, Access to Care, Social Education and the Stigma of AIDS. We still need to discuss the frames but for example if a certain statistic or paragraph keeps popping up in each article, the author may be trying to frame the article in a certain direction by using that paragraph or statistic. It is a little abstract and I am almost certain you have fallen asleep by the time I finish this sentence. You have haven't you? Well wake up. No? SEXY FEZ WEARING MONKEY! Didn't work did it...I'll give you five bucks to wake up, I promise not to talk about framing anymore. There we go, welcome back.

So to pay my bills and rent I have picked up a job at Hallmark greeting cards, which has the most insane personality test I have ever taken. I don't know if psychos have a history of applying at hallmark but this test was absurd. 180 questions on your personality, including about 50 on if you steal all the time or get high at work. One question actually asked if you had ever lied in your entire life...OF COURSE I FUCKING HAVE. I have already lied 4 times on this test before that question! I actually didn't though...it was the first personality test I took where I was honest the whole time and I still came out with flying colors. It is amazing some people actually fail this test and are barred from working at Hallmark. They get high at work so often or steal all the time to the point where it prevents them from putting away cards and asking cusotmers for their gold crown card.

The job isn't bad though, it is your basic retail job. Stocking, inventory and working the register. I am still trying to get returns down but to be honest, they are a little more tricky than just pressing the amount and giving people their change. I was trained in about 20 minutes and have needed very little training since, except for figuring out how to do gift cards. Just a note people, don't get gift cards at any hallmark I work at or I will be forced to punch you in the face and/or crotch. I hate doing them that much.

Just a random thought: I am listening to "Come On Eileen" by Dexy's Midnight Runners and after discovering the lead singer became a transexual techo singer later in his life I realize that I like the song just as much. It is a lot like Gary Glitter being a huge pedophile but stadiums still blasting the Hey! Song all the time anyways. Does the way a musician conduct himself in public or how radically they change their image effect their previous work? I tend to think not for a few reasons, the first being the role of the listener. With any artform people tend to make certain songs, movies or paintings and link them to personal feelings, moments or even day dreams. When we hear a song we link, we link to a time, place and feeling, and no matter how ridiculous the artist may be after that time period we still hold the song above the artist. The song is not a reflection of the artists whole life, just a time and place. You can enjoy a song even if it was done by a psycho, bathroom camera lovin chuck berry or tortured elliott smith. My second point is that music tends to last longer than those that created the music. Look at the man who epitomizes classical music: Beethoven. Beethoven was an asshole who was downright mean to many people, only went after married women and contemplated suicide constantly because of his deafness. Regardless of this reputation though he is held as a musical genuis whose work has been constantly imitated, played, revered and loved for hundreds of years. The fact that his personality and demeanor was absolutely vile had no effect on his musical work. Long after he was dead his music was re-discovered generation after generation, there was no longer any memory of beethoven's life, just his musical legacy. The music eventually overcomes the way a person lived their life and that facinates me. The music lives on even as the creator is slowly forgotten.

That's it for today folks, later.

Look What I Found

I never thought I would be writing in a blog again but here I am, opening up a new one after a year away from the online bitchfest that is blogging. I was looking through my old blogs out of curiosity and found that the tone I was presenting was not what I had originally intended. I was vague, very moody and I just couldn't stop bitching about things that couldn't have possibly been important. I found that my second, private blog was a little better put together and had a tone that I really enjoyed.

It was only when I had to try and convey a thought using song lyrics and vague language in my public blog that things got a little cliched and ridiculous. I look back and just kind of cringe at what I was trying to do, like watching a home video of yourself pretending to be a ninja at your 5th birthday party. You had the ninja clothing, the fake katanas and throwing stars but your little high pitched "YEEEAAAHHHHH's" and jerking arm movements weren't going to fool anyone. I was going for something which I assumed was serious but was really immature and kind of desperate. I might as well have been posting "LOOK AT ME, I HAVE FEELINGS" over and over for 2 years.

Still, I do not regret writing in the blog. It was a good way to release stress and try to vent my frustrations. It is unfortunate that my posts were almost always downers, as I felt no need to write about good things in my life. For a time in my life I really believed that expression meant being heartbroken and dejected, that art could really only be expressed in pain. I found that I was wrong, reeeeeal fucking wrong. I do not regret the things I wrote, only that they told half the story and that I can't recall so many good things that occured during that time period.

So that is why I am here, I am going to give this the old college try once again. I may not post all the time but if I have a free moment I will try to keep you guys updated on my life. Plus writing here gives me a narcassitic pleasure that all bloggers feel when people read about their lives, which is a nice bonus! (Please don't take that last statement seriously, I am an asshole but not an arrogant one).

Now that I have that out of the way let's catch up a bit:

I now live in an apartment with one Erica Sibley, who was away in Europe this past school year. She came back a little more British but otherwise still resembles Jordan from the TV show Scrubs...and I mean that in a good way. So far we haven't killed each other or eaten too much food that the other bought, which is fantastic. I kind of like our little apartment in Lawrenceville, it is safe and close to TCNJ plus it has a pool and tennis courts. This is especially good because I never play tennis and rarely swim, so I can do both in front of my neighbors as they point and laugh. Embarassment starts out incredibly bad but in time your most embarassing moments become your best stories, so I welcome them every so often.

I also finished up an internship at MSG Network which was one of the best experiences in my life. The things I saw and were able to take part in make me proud of my time there and because I am sure most of you have heard my MSG stories before I will do a condensed verion. I got to see Ranger games, work with producers, produce a segment, do graphics, travel around NYC, got on TV a few times, hung out in the locker rooms and of course got a toasted everything bagel with turkey bacon, one slice of cheddar cheese and 2 eggs for producer Paula McHale almost every gameday. I loved Paula, so I didn't mind. Oh, and Henrik Lundqvist smacked me in the face with his sweaty ass jersey after my first Rangers game...it wasn't as cool as you would think.

I now work as a research assistant at TCNJ, working with two highly regarded professors on a new methodology in studying African Newspaper Coverage of AIDS in Africa using the Community Structure Approach. This project is also known as "I wish I knew what these two genuises were talking about, I guess I will just read articles and hope for the best." Honestly though, I get most of what they are saying but the new methodology needs to have the kinks worked out. As of now we are kind of blindly reaching around trying to grasp at a concept that is very large and complicated. When we get it down though it should be an amazing new way to study newspaper coverage and will hopefully open up a totally new hybrid styling of research. Oh, if you were wondering about the name of my blog it comes from one of the professors I am working with who refers to his students as "Communication Commandos". That was the best I could come up with but I think it will do for now.

I also work at Hallmark...I'll talk about that a lot later. Retail is a beast and hell hath no fury like an 80 year old woman scorned by the wrong envelope for her greeting card. I also work with an ageless 88 year old woman named Dori who acts and seems younger than most people my age, I mean it when I say she is an inspiration. That and she has a wicked sense of humor that juxtaposes her small and frail frame, it creates amazing comedic moments.

I think that is about enough for now as far as the blog goes but I hope to be back sometime soon with some new stories and maybe even a few thoughts on general topics. Have a good one folks.