No Way Out

My grandfather died on Monday morning in his sleep at the age of 85. A World War Two veteran (gunman on a plane) who was shot down overseas, he was also a federal investigator and polygraph operator. He would tell stories of the most amazing and frankly shocking situations I had ever heard, from being shot at to arresting men who were trying to kill anything moving. He was also a boxer for a time in the military, and even though he only stood about 5'6" he was tough as nails. His personality wouldn't reflect that though, as he was a genial guy who always loved a lame joke, a dollar store trinket and taking his grandson out to get hockey cards for so many years. In his retirement he decided to become a substitute teacher and was absolutely amazing with kids, he was a master storyteller and even if he stretched the truth a bit...it would always be entertaining. I can honestly say I inherited that trait from him, as well as his pronounced forehead (The Keefe Forehead as it is called in my family). I will miss him dearly but I can at least know that he lived an amazing life and died in peace, he was truly a one of a kind individual.

I am looking forward to this semester being over because I am frankly tired of recieving bad news. Seriously, it has gotten to the point where anytime someone from home calls me I assume it is bad news. Everytime things seem to be getting back to normal, something happens which just decimates my spirit. I wish I could really just forget this October and November, as the bad has certainly outweighed the good. God knows I am trying to keep a positive attitude going because the last thing I want is sympathy or pity being put my way. My whole life I have equated those two things with either being pathetic or weak, which I know is absurd. I cannot shake the feeling that when someone tries to show me sympathy they are also judging my ability to cope or the way I am wired. I do not outwardly emote for this reason and a few others and it is also why opening up to someone is so fucking hard for me. That emotional vulnerability just feels so crippling and I am always waiting to get crushed when I open up. It is something I need to work on...I just need this fall to end.