Shiraz Fiend

Nothing finer than a Ranger win, some Decemberists and a nice glass of wine. I got to hang out with my brother tonight, which was a rare pleasure. We went to cheeburger cheeburger, a restaurant that pretends it isn't a fast food joint. It is themed using the 1950's as a model and has about 70 milkshake varities, so of course I love the place. My bro introduced it to me while in Florida and I have been hooked ever since, so it seemed only fitting to go there for his birthday. His birthday came on the unlucky day of our grandfather's funeral, so he definately needed a proper celebration...thank god for cheeburger cheeburger.

No Way Out

My grandfather died on Monday morning in his sleep at the age of 85. A World War Two veteran (gunman on a plane) who was shot down overseas, he was also a federal investigator and polygraph operator. He would tell stories of the most amazing and frankly shocking situations I had ever heard, from being shot at to arresting men who were trying to kill anything moving. He was also a boxer for a time in the military, and even though he only stood about 5'6" he was tough as nails. His personality wouldn't reflect that though, as he was a genial guy who always loved a lame joke, a dollar store trinket and taking his grandson out to get hockey cards for so many years. In his retirement he decided to become a substitute teacher and was absolutely amazing with kids, he was a master storyteller and even if he stretched the truth a bit...it would always be entertaining. I can honestly say I inherited that trait from him, as well as his pronounced forehead (The Keefe Forehead as it is called in my family). I will miss him dearly but I can at least know that he lived an amazing life and died in peace, he was truly a one of a kind individual.

I am looking forward to this semester being over because I am frankly tired of recieving bad news. Seriously, it has gotten to the point where anytime someone from home calls me I assume it is bad news. Everytime things seem to be getting back to normal, something happens which just decimates my spirit. I wish I could really just forget this October and November, as the bad has certainly outweighed the good. God knows I am trying to keep a positive attitude going because the last thing I want is sympathy or pity being put my way. My whole life I have equated those two things with either being pathetic or weak, which I know is absurd. I cannot shake the feeling that when someone tries to show me sympathy they are also judging my ability to cope or the way I am wired. I do not outwardly emote for this reason and a few others and it is also why opening up to someone is so fucking hard for me. That emotional vulnerability just feels so crippling and I am always waiting to get crushed when I open up. It is something I need to work on...I just need this fall to end.

The Swell Season

This time change thing has completely gotten my body out of sync, so here I am at 1 am still wide awake and trying to do some research for my oh so wonderful gender course. I was lucky enough to be given a fine group to work with but the topic we are presenting to the class is a little too broad and many points we make will have to be complete and utter bullshit. We must find the ways in which gender inequality manifests itself in holidays, namely Christmas and Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is pretty damn easy to prove honestly, just take a look in any Hallmark in the country and you will pull out at least 30 examples of gender bias or inequality. Christmas seems at first to be just as easy but it is deceptively hard to really prove that anything involved with Christmas is completely based on any feminist theory. Shades of Christmas (Advertisements, myths and maybe even consumer behavior) can definately be looked at through a "gendered lens" as our professor has named our approach. I think we are all a little to attached to Christmas though to truly step back and de-construct it, it is difficult to look back at your childhood only to rip it apart and analyze it with new knowledge. I don't think that much of the population picks up on the subtle Christmas ideas that could be analyzed and honestly, I sometimes doubt that anyone is actually changed by these ideas. Sometimes the analysis of a media form, in any concentration...not just feminist theory, can be flawed when the researcher neglects the audience when considering a theory. For example, there is a theory that aims to prove that the movie King Kong was an allegory for continued dominance of black individuals by the white population. The monkey was symbolic of black men and it's captors were the white men of the era. Now, there are a few articles that make this claim but neglect to look at the history of the film. A good amount of the footage used for the movie was taken from an abandoned project which utilized dinosaurs and other pre-historic and jungle animals. They used this footage because it was cheap and they created a foil for the dinosaurs in the form of a giant ape, mostly because the film maker had just finished a documentary on jungle animals and was inspired by the apes he saw. The lead female and male were both white because of the circumstances of the time period, you could point to any movie made in the 1930's and notice that african americans were not in lead roles. Looking at a film 70 years later, with an entirely new body of theory and literature...we sometimes lose focus on context and tend to label movies as something they are not. All concentrations do it and in most cases they are correct but without consideration of audience and context, mistakes can be made in analysis.

Jesus, where the hell did that come from. Hope you enjoyed that pointless rant.

Based on recent conversations I am willing to bet that about 25% of my friends are furious at a member of the opposite sex. There was always one action that put them over the edge: lying. The act of deception is one that will infuriate anyone under the right circumstances. These people opened themselves up, usually with reservation, and were rewarded with only lies and an uncaring counterpart. It is unfair but true to note that vulnerability is necessary to get close to another person but can leave you completely blindsided when a true nature is revealed. These people lashed out in the same way, no matter their personality or usual disposition, with disbelief, profanity, hopelessness and rage. I'm not surprised by this in the least bit though, when you are truly caught off guard by the actions of another person you slip into a state where you can't think logically and you cannot clear your mind. The only thing you feel is anger and sadness, each taking turns at the front of your mind. I have no idea why this has happend to these people all at the same time though, it has literally been within weeks that one by one they have been wronged. It is something to look into but not right now...because I am finally tired enough to sleep. Have a good night all.